I’ve never kicked someone out of my life that I still wanted. I’m a sucker for holding out on the hope that things will somehow magically iron themselves out. Which they do. Just not as expected.
To be honest, that might not be exactly how it happened. Did he drop me or did I shaft him? Did Echo disintegrate in the cave before Narcissus fell into the lake or vice versa? Of course, it doesn’t matter. It hurts either way.
Not much will be accomplished by mourning a death that hardly was alive. It had a heartbeat but no breath. A stillborn kind of love.
I’m glad this mad season of my life over, even as hard as it is to forget what a beautiful mess he was.
When you reach rock bottom, there are two choices – Sleep or climb.
The thing is – I’ve been at rock bottom a lot longer than I thought. I don’t even know how long. Maybe months. Maybe years. I’ve had company so I didn’t notice.
I think the last one was trying to climb out before I was – that could have been one of our problems. I didn’t mind being at rock bottom it as long as he was there with me. But that’s no way to live. Maybe he knew that before I did. Maybe he kept trying to climb out but kept falling back. And maybe sometimes he was falling back on purpose because he wanted to stay with me. Maybe that was true sometimes.
And maybe the same was true with the man before him. And the man before him. And so on.
Sometimes needs to be over. It’s time to wake up and climb.
December Soundtrack: Songs for Eviction
1. Broken Social Scene: Anthems for a Seventeen-Year-Old
2. Autre Ne Veut: Sweetheart
3. Sufjan Stevens: Dumb I Sound
4. Gotye: Somebody that I used to know
5. James: Out to Get You
6. Roy Orbison: Crying
7. Prince: The Beautiful Ones
8. Fleetwood Mac: Silver Springs
January Soundtrack: Songs for Climbing
1. Passion Pit: Swimming in the Flood
2. Rilo Kiley: More Adventurous
3. The Replacements: Within Your Reach
4. Nina Simone: Suzanne (Leonard Cohen)
5. The National: Walk Off
6. Evan Rachel Wood: If I Fell (The Beatles)
7. Autre Ne Veut: Soldier
8. Nantes: Beirut
9. Cant: Believe
November: Songs for Monsters at the Bottom of the Ocean
October: Songs for Road Trips to Recover from Heartbreak and Soul Sickness